Tuesday, April 25, 2006

The Supreme Metal Council invades Eurovision!

So the Finns are entering a death metal band in the Eurovision song contest...

Ahh, Eurovision - it was Monty Python who introduced me to it, in the Communist Quiz show.

(Eric Idle): Good evening. Tonight is indeed a unique occasion in the history of television. We are very privileged, and deeply honoured to have with us in the studio, Karl Marx, founder of modern socialism, and author of the 'Communist Manifesto', Vladimir Ilich Ulyanov, better known to the world as Lenin, leader of the Russian Revolution, writer, statesman, and father of modern communism. Che Guevara, the Cuban guerrilla leader. And Mao Tse-tung, leader of the Chinese Communist Party since 1949. And the first question is for you, Karl Marx. The Hammers - the Hammers is the nickname of what English football team? 'the Hammers? No? Well bad luck there, Karl. So we'll go onto you Che. Che Guevara - Coventry City last won the FA Cup in what year? No? I'll throw it open. Coventry City last won the FA Cup in what year? No? Well, I'm not surprised you didn't get that. It was in fact a trick question. Coventry City have never won the FA Cup. So with the scores all equal now we go onto our second round, and Lenin it's your starter for ten. Teddy Johnson and Pearl Carr won the Eurovision Song Contest in 1959. What was the name of the song? ... Teddy Johnson and Pearl Carr's song in the 1959 Eurovision Song Contest? Anybody? (buzzer goes) Yes, Mao Tse-tung?

Mao Tse-tung: 'Sing Little Birdie'?

This sketch, by the way, also is the first time I remember hearing about the FA cup, and I KNOW it's where I learned Lenin's real name. And my first introduction to Marxism...
Well now we come on to our special gift section. The contestant is Karl Marx and the prize this week is a beautiful lounge suite. Now Karl has elected to, answer questions on the workers' control of factories so here we go with question number one. Are you nervous? (Karl nods his head) The development of the industrial proletariat is conditioned by what other development?

Karl: The development of the industrial bourgeoisie.

Presenter: Yes, yes, it is indeed. You're on your way to the lounge suite, Karl. Question number two. The struggle of class against class is a what struggle? A what struggle?

Karl: A political struggle.

Presenter: Yes, yes! One final question Karl and the beautiful lounge suite will be yours... Are you going to have a go? You're a brave man. Karl Marx, your final question, who won the Cup Final in 1949?

Karl: The workers' control of the means of production? The struggle of the urban proletariat?

Presenter: No. It was in fact, Wolverhampton Wanderers who beat Leicester 3-1.

Python aside, this heavy metal band is a first for Eurovision. Last year, according to this Guardian article, the Finns took a zero home. That's like getting shut out in all of the games in a home stand in baseball - a dismal rating. So they're sending in "hard rocking death metal band Lordi."

Finland sends in the heavy metal mob for its Eurovision challenge
Putaansuu, an Arctic Laplander, cites classic hard rockers Twisted Sister, Kiss and Alice Cooper among his influences, and admits that he will be surprised and disappointed if his band is eliminated from the competition. "We are bringing rock credibility to the Eurovision song contest," he insists. "I always said that it doesn't matter where you perform. If you do a good painting, it should look the same whether it's on the wall of a museum or if it's on the wall of your toilet."

Which is definite proof that the Supreme Metal Council is behind it all. These are the guys who... well...

Formed in 1972 and comprising 12 of the most revered leaders of the metal community, the council meets annually in its majestic hall atop Vatnajökull, Iceland's largest glacier, to discuss metal affairs. The SMC convened for a special session after Nikki Sixx, Overlord Of Glam Metal Affairs, was sent hard photographic evidence of metal-sign abuse across the nation. Sixx's fellow high priests said they were "shocked," calling it "one of the most serious affronts to metal's integrity since the rise of rap-metal in the late 1990s."

I just hope that the Finns follow Strong Bad's advice.
Now let's see, first, you'd better be ugly, Dane. Or fat. The gift of death metal does not smile on the good looking. If there's any doubt, go ahead and hot-glue some corn flakes to your face. That'll do the trick. Now, I'm no geographist, but I don't think Oregon is anywhere near Scandinavia, which seems to be the only place left where death metal will get you any chicks. As for lyrics, you've got it all wrong! Screaming words at the top of your lungs is for people with blond hair. Ya know, words like 'tonite,' 'wooh-mon,' and the name of any street in L.A... So for death metal, you want to scream from the bowels of your lungs. The bowels! Words like, {in a deep, sinister voice, and with the words in green, spooky letters} 'decay,' 'deranged,' 'decrepit,' and um, 'delouse.' In fact, you really can't go wrong with anything that starts with d-e. '

And finally, the only Eurovision winner to ever get anywhere? ABBA.

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